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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I've not been entirely true to myself

We are all inherently weak. Human, by nature, is prone to temptation, desire, vanity, and immunity is not guaranteed. It is a disease that has plagued humanity for eons and as such has brought forth advances in psychology, biomedicine, and engineering to overcome such hurdle, hurdle to temptation and desire. You may be more inclined to one form of sin than the others, e.g., wealth and money for those who strive for the abysmal satisfaction of upper class accessories, knowledge and publications for those who strive for higher education or faculty/research position, relationship and intangible love for those who desires breakthrough in singleness or loneliness, fame and recognition for those who can't escape the thought that they must achieve what Andy Warhol's 15 minutes of fame. Irrespective to which rabbit holes we would like to tumble we are all ultimately the victim of our true self, and how one shall overcome is a must, but that is not for us to decide.

I'm the victim of my own self, which I've not been entirely true to myself. I have been daydreaming in this wonderland which I've built from ground up. Day by day since end of March I've been laying bricks, block by block, layer by layer until I have almost construct a perfect seemingly impregnable little room which I am willing to spend my life in eternity. That is very dangerous until recently, like today, the unforeseeable happened - that room was firmly built and I was pushed in from the outside, by a force so great, that I could not resist. All the way until I realize this is not what God intended me to do, and it is how the destruction will carry on if I insist so.

"Let go, you will survive and you will be stronger than ever," says He the Almighty. And, from that moment on I truly realize once again how weak are we human beings. How a little thing such as one-way street can be blown out of proportions, by your incompetent formulation of what relationship is supposed to be.

I'm shattered and I've not been true to myself. Hopefully, I will wake up and mend the gashing wound until it is fully healed. Until then, God be with me and everything will follow for the faithfulness can bring you joyful bountiful everlasting content beyond your imagination.

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